happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?