his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win