Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
