In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
