I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
