I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
