The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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