Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
