4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
