chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
