Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
