Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
