I think i sorta joined a cult last night
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
