remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
