We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
