Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
