my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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