What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
