It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
