you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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