Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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