He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
