I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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