i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
If I die, sorry about rent.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
