Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
