I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
