I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
