Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
