Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
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