My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
