I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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