I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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