i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
