I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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