I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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