I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Randomize
