He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
