Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
