Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You have to summon your inner elephant
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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