It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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