Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
