battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
