Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
