i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
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