I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
