So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
