So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Randomize
