Screwed.edu
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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