I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
She bit a glass in half.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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