i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
