Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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