2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
