i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun