It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
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Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
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You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.