Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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