Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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