so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
