Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
