There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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